Fillmore: The Intervention: episode 3
by marcen12
Summary: what happens when you don't go to an intervention.
1. Chapter 1

Today's episode: The Intervention

Act 1: F.U

At Vallejo's office. Vallejo gets in the office with the lights off

**Vallejo: **Nice time to relax after two cases in one day. (sits in chair) Just me and my cocoa. It's perf...

_Suddenly, a voice speaks out of nowhere._

**Voice: **Hello, Vallejo.

Vallejo screams and jumps out of his chair. He gets out his gun and shoots wildly. There is a scream and the lights are turned on. Vallejo sees Fillmore and Ingrid.

**Vallejo: **What the hell are you doing in my office?

**Ingrid: **It's your intervention.

**Fillmore: **Who screamed?

_A body is laid on the floor, blood gushing from the head due to a bullet from Vallejo's gun._

**Vallejo: **Oh, thank God. I only killed O'Ferrell. No one else important. Now what were you saying about this intervention?

**Fillmore: **Sit down.

**Vallejo: **(sits back down on chair) I don't like the sound of this.

**Ingrid: **You have a problem. You're scaring Fillmore, the late O'Ferrell and me.

**Vallejo: **Where is everyone else.

**Fillmore: **They could care less about you. You are a racist and so they're on pain and suffering leave until episode 5.

**Vallejo: **So my problem is racism? I told you guys once and I told you before, I'm not going to stop being racist!

**Ingrid: **Your problem isn't racism. It's not porn, nor cocaine. It's the one thing you can't live without.

**Fillmore: **Cocoa.

**Vallejo: **OH HELL NO! I NEED MY COCOA LIKE PEOPLE LIKE FILLMORE NEED FREEDOM!

**Ingrid: **You're addicted to cocoa. It's affecting your life. You've gained more weight than John Goodman has.

**Fillmore: **At least he does something with his life.

**Vallejo: **Are you calling me lazy?

**Ingrid: **Yes, but if you have one more cup of cocoa. You will go through the three stages which no one wants to go through.

**Vallejo: **Oh, yeah? Watch me. (drinks the whole cup of cocoa)

**Fillmore: **You're heading down a path that could lead you to a downward spiral that you could never get out of. Somewhere dark and disturbing.

**Ingrid: **Fox News?

**Vallejo: **You guys are crazy.

**Fillmore: **Well, let's see who's crazy in the next act.

**Ingrid: **We're here to help you.

**Vallejo: **I DON'T NEED HELP! NOW GET OUT OF MY WAY! I HAVE THE "MORE! MORE! MORE!" SHOW TO DO WITH PRINCIPAL WHATSERFACE! (gets out of office)

**Fillmore: **This intervention sucked.

**Ingrid: **Yeah but at least O'Farrell is dead.

**Fillmore: **Should we go chase Vallejo?

**Ingrid: **No. If we do, we have all that paperwork and...

**Fillmore: **Wanna have sex?

**Ingrid: **Asian or Chinese fetish.

**Fillmore: **Those people are the same to me. Let's go! Me so horny!


	2. Chapter 2

Act 2: He shoots, He dies

Vallejo and Principal are on the school TV show. Principal uses her stupid fake smile while Vallejo seems nervous.

**Principal: **Welcome back to More More More! The school show about the school. Today, we have Vallejo, our school chief, who is going to tell us about the dangers of drunk driving.

**Vallejo: **Um. It's very bad. It kills. But, hey, I don't drink beer. I drink cocoa.

**Principal: **Did you know that drinking too much cocoa causes hallucinations to one's mind.

**Vallejo: **I only had seventeen cups, Oprah.

**Principal: **I know that you don't know my name because of this stupid fanfiction writer, but Oprah? I'm not black, I'm not rich and as a bonus: I'm not black.

**Vallejo: **But you are Oprah! The angel sitting beside you told me so! I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU!!!

**Principal: **(confused and worried) Chief? Did you also know that too much sugar causes extremely happy behavior along with being too hyper?

**Vallejo:** IDONOTKNOWWHATYOUARETALKINGABOUTBUTTHEWHOLEROOMISSMILINGANDIWOULDLIKETOSAYWHATISUPTOEVERYBODYINTHISBITCHWHATISUPYOUGUYSPARTYATMYHOUSE! (jumps up and down a couch) I LOVE INGRID! I LOVE FILLMORE! I LOVE PORN! I...

Elsewhere, Fillmore and Ingrid are watching the show

**Fillmore: **Stage 1. Now who's the fool?

**Ingrid: **This room still smells like sex. Should I Febreeze the room?

**Fillmore: **No. I want Vallejo to get fired.

**Ingrid: **He's going to get fired anyway. Look at him jump up and down that couch. He is not going to get off easy.

**Fillmore: **(smirks at Ingrid) Speaking of getting off easy, you were pretty....

At Principal's office where Principal and Vallejo are at a desk.

**Principal: **I haven't been more embarrassed on TV since Pauly Shore came as a special guest to speak out against terrible movies. Boy, I tell you, that Bio-Dome movie was good now that I think about it. (gets on the phone with a receptionist) Hello? You know that guest we have for the speech against bad movies? Can you change the special guest and get Ben Affleck, that would be terrific. (hangs up)

**Vallejo: **I'm sorry.

**Principal: **Sorry won't help me bring back my career.

**Vallejo: **Ma'am, not to be rude, but you're like the Connie Chung of no careers.

**Principal: **Hall duty for the rest of the day.

**Vallejo: **But I'm the boss. I approve memos, like a boss. Promote synergy, like a boss.

**Principal: **I swear to God, if you say one more line from that song, I will slit your throat.

In the hallways and Vallejo is talking to himself

**Vallejo: **I don't understand what came over me on TV. I never felt that way about Oprah.

**Fillmore: **(goes to Vallejo) Ingrid is setting up the intervention. If you don't let us help you, you're going to stage 2. Stage 1 was extreme happiness. Next stage is...

**Vallejo: **Go screw yourself, Fillmore. I have hall duty.

**Fillmore: **We will be waiting. (walks away)

**Vallejo: **Yeah, like I'll get help from them. What's going to be step 2? I don't give a...(a kid steps in his shoe) KICK YOU FREAKING ASS! I WANT YOU OUT OF THE FREAKING HALLWAY, YOU PRICK!

**Kid: **(puzzled) Sorry, dude. I didn't see you there.

**Vallejo: **No, don't be sorry. Think! For one goddamn minute! That the hell ARE YOU DOING?!

**Kid: **I just stepped on your shoe.

**Vallejo: **Are you professional or not? DO I WALK AROUND AND STEP ON YOUR... NO SHUT THE HELL UP BRUCE! DO I WANT...

**Kid: **Who the hell is Bruce? It's just you and me...

**Vallejo: **NO! NO! DON'T SHUT ME UP! AM I GOING TO WALK AROUND AND STEP ON YOUR GODDAMN SHOE? IN THE HALLWAY? THEN WHY THE HELL ARE WALKING RIGHT THROUGH?! A DA DA DA DA LIKE THIS IN THE HALLWAY, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

**Kid: **Dude, chill. There are no marks on your shoe so don't worry about it. You're acting worse than when a black guy acts when he gets his shoe stepped on.

**Vallejo: **I'M GOING TO F#$ING KICK YOUR F#$ING ASS IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE... (goes to Kid)

**Kid: **(shields hjimself with arms) NO!

A gunshot is fired.

_At Principal's office_

**Principal: **Thanks to you, Chief, a kid is dead after you shot him.

**Vallejo: **The kid stepped on my shoe! I was not going to take that lying down.

**Principal: **I don't know what's gotten over you but I'll give you time to think about it when you're suspended off of the force.

**Vallejo: **What? But, but...

**Principal: **One more but and yours is mine. Get the hell out of my office.

**Vallejo: **(leaves office) Fine. I have other things to do anyway.

Fillmore and Ingrid are in Principal's office.

**Principal: **Do any of you know why Chief is acting like he's acting?

**Fillmore: **We tried an intervention because he's been drinking too much cocoa.

**Ingrid: **Only problem is he won't fess up about his addiction and he's already going through stages one and two of the three stages.

**Principal: **Do you know where he is?

**Ingrid: **Yes. We have to hurry this up though. Stage three makes one of the worst things about him worse.

**Principal: **I've read the past two scripts of this show so the worst thing about him is... (gasps) You guys have to find him quick! He is going to be killed if you don't stop him!

**Fillmore: **By now he's already at the destination. It may be too late.

**Ingrid: **Fillmore. Don't give up hope. Come on, it's not too late!


	3. Chapter 3

Act 3: It's Too Late

**Fillmore: **I'm not going to bother helping him until he comes to us.

**Ingrid: **What's sad is that I don't care about him either. Stage 3 is going to hit him hard.

**Host: **Welcome to BET Comedy jam! My name is DJ KWIZZ and tonight, we have a special guest. A real funny guy! Give it up for VALLEJO!!!

**Vallejo: **(comes out on stage with a smirk on his face) What's up, homies? (no cheers from the audience) I never knew the chocolate factory opened in the bitch because there are no white people in here.

**Audience Member: **This is BLACK Entertainment Television, not the Disney Channel!

**Vallejo: **So, what's the deal with black people holding guns sideways?

**AM: **Because we're black, you jackass! GET OFF THE STAGE!

**Vallejo: **(irritated) And what is the deal with chicken and waffles...

**AM: **GET THE F*** OFF THE STAGE! YOU SUCK MORE THAN A HOMO AT CLUB MEXX'S, YOU GAY CRACKER!

**Vallejo: **(angry) SHUT UP! FIFTY YEARS AGO, WE COULD HAVE HUNG YOU UPSIDE DOWN WITH A F***ING FORK UP YOUR ASS! (audience members are laughing) YOU CAN TALK, YOU CAN TALK, YOU CAN TALK! THROW HIS ASS OUT, HE'S A NEGRO! (audience members stop laughing) HE'S A NEGRO! HE'S A NEGRO! OOOHHH!!! OOOHHH!!! You see? That shocks you. It shocks you. See what buried beneath you stupid motherf***ers?! (audience members start to leave)

**AM: **YOU'RE NOT FUNNY! YOU'RE TERRIBLE! GET OFF THE STAGE, YOU CRACKERASS!!

**Vallejo: **CRACKERASS?! ARE YOU CALLING ME CRACKERASS, NEGRO?!

**AM: **YOU'RE JUST A WHITE GUY! YOU'VE NEVER HAD ANY SHOWS! HALL MONITER, THAT'S IT!

**Vallejo: **F*** OFF, PORCHMONKEY!

At this point, what's left of the audience hear what Vallejo has just said and, like the stereotypical black guys they are, gets their guns and turn it sideways...

Back at the school.

**Vallejo: **My name is Commissioner Vallejo and I have a problem. (mutters to himself) Even though I don't.

**Fillmore: **Well. It least you came to us. This full body cast will heal quicker if you let it.

**Ingrid: **I never knew one white guy could survive twenty-five bullet holes and still survive.

**Vallejo: **So, am I one of you people, Fillmore?

**Fillmore: **Never, you racist bastard.

**Vallejo: **At least I still have my dignity.

**Ingrid: **You never had, and you never will, dignity after what someone posted on the Internet.

**Vallejo: **What are you talking about?

**Fillmore: **Someone had a camera at that comedy jam and videotaped your tirade. Now, it's all over the Internet.

**Ingrid: **That made stage three. Making something bad about you worse. Your racism, you fag.

**Vallejo: **What can I do to stop it.

**Fillmore: **Stop drinking cocoa. Go back to your alcohol, your cocaine, your porn. Just stop drinking cocoa.

**Vallejo: **(angry) If I weren't in this body cast, I'd kill both of you.

**Ingrid: **Who's up for basketball?

**Vallejo: **Fillmore's black so he's automatically going to say yes.

**Fillmore: **Let's go shoot some hoops, Vallejo.

At the gym

**Vallejo: **Wait. If you hate me so much, why are you taking me to the gym?

**Fillmore: **(puts Vallejo in the middle of the gym) Enjoy the basketball game. (runs away)

**Vallejo: **Basketb... Oh, crap! All the players are black!

**Basketball Player: **There's the racist guy! LET'S KILL HIM!

**Vallejo: **FILLMORE!!!!!

_He's on it. _


End file.
